My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
