Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
