Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
