True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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