I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
