Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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