she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
