I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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