i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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