This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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