I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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