dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize