I met the friendliest cop last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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