He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well I just put wine in my tea
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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