I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
