I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
