omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I deserve to be covered in dicks
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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