I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
