i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
