she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
