So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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