dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize