Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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