he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
