i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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