If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
