thus making me awesome and them whores
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
