She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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