Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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