i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
