So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
