Can i not drive my cunt home
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
