apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
