We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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