does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
