Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Watching her eat just hurts me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize