The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
