he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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