So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
