I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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