FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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