I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
