1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
