i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
