By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
