i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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