Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
