i wish my penis had a tongue
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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