I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize