One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
