I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
