I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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