So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm always down for nudity.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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