The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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