i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
