Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
