My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
