Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
