can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
