I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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