I need help removing her.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
