today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
