Sponge bath it is.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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