Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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