i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
