i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
