so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
