Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
