dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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